


babe i'm fist-fighting with fire

by saltalyn



Series: he's the sun and he's the moon [9]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Penelope Bunce is a Good Friend, Post-Book 2: Wayward Son, because it isn't graphic?, but idk lmk in the comments if i should change it, i wasn't sure whether or not to tag this as graphic depictions of violence, simon and baz are in love and happy bc i said so, teen for swearing and violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:34:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27552382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltalyn/pseuds/saltalyn
Summary: The goblins still need a king. Simon Snow just happens to be away from his vampire boyfriend.prompt #6: "You're so hot when you're angry."
Relationships: Penelope Bunce & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Shepard & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: he's the sun and he's the moon [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1865137
Comments: 6
Kudos: 65





	babe i'm fist-fighting with fire

**Author's Note:**

> these are coming out a lot slower because i need to space them out since i have less time to write because of school :p
> 
> title from Love on the Brain by Rihanna

**BAZ**

The Starbucks line is getting longer and longer by the second. Crowley, why does this shop have to be so popular? 

Simon and I are walking along the pavement, his hand in mine, rushing to reach the end of this bloody line that’s tailing in the opposite direction. We’re about ten buildings and an alleyway from it. I might be late for my study group.

I look down, noticing that my shoe is untied. I can’t soil the laces, these are Oxfords for snake’s sake! I pull my hand out of Simon’s and he stops, looking up at me questioningly. 

“Go on ahead and get in line, I just need to tie my shoes.” He nods and continues speed walking. 

How did my laces untie, anyway? That’s odd. 

I finish the knot and look up. Where’s Simon? It only took me a few seconds to tie my shoe, he can’t already be at the end of the line, so where is he? How could he disappear in less than ten seconds? Aleister Crowley, what if something’s happened to him? 

I take a deep breath. I need to calm down, if he’s fine, and just happened to travel sixty metres abnormally quickly, I’ll have gotten myself worked up for naught. 

I begin jogging toward the line when I hear a scuffling in the alley. If it weren’t for my vampire senses, I wouldn’t have heard it. 

I turn sharply, hair falling into my face. (Simon likes it when it’s not gelled.)

Bloody fuck, what if something’s attacked him? Simon Snow isn’t the Chosen One anymore, he gave away his nuclear power. Not to say that Simon is helpless without his magic, he still uses a sword effectively. But he’s not got a sword right now. Not to mention he broke his arm last week.

He was walking me out of his flat, to my car so I could go back to Aunt Fiona’s. He was walking down the stairs when his (invisible) tail tripped him. (He says it's got a mind of it own, though why it would choose to injure him I have no clue.) He fell forwards and attempted to catch himself with his hand.

I heard the crunch of his bone when it broke.

He didn’t even cry, he just rolled over onto his back and sat up, cradling his arm. 

He’d said, “I think it’s broken.” (How the hell is he real?)

I will admit I used my vampire speed, quickly reaching Bunce and Shepard to tell them that Simon was hurt. We piled into the jag and sped to A&E. 

His arm is in a teal cast now, Penelope, Shepard, and I signed it for laughs. 

I rush into the alley and see five (five?!) goblins backing Simon into a corner. His eyes are hard, determined to get out of this alive with only three limbs available. 

Nicks and Slick, I don’t even have my wand. 

Penny and I don’t use magic much, for Simon’s sake, and because we’re constantly surrounded by Normals. I simply stopped bringing it with me wherever we went. I wish I had it now.

I take a deep breath and sprint towards them. I haven’t had to fight anything with my bare hands since America; this is going to be interesting.

I grab the goblin in the middle, the one closest to Simon, by the back of the neck. He tries to slash me with his knife (do they have any other weapons?) but I push him to the ground. I bring my foot down onto his head and hear a crack. 

(My Oxfords are going to be ruined.) 

The other four goblins spin around, turning their attention to me. Good, that’s what I wanted. 

Fortunately, goblins don’t speak much. I’m already irritated as it is. How dare they try to kill my injured boyfriend and make me late to my study group?

I summon two balls of fire in both my palms and hurl them at the goblins in the center. They back away, dropping their knives. One of them crashes into Simon who pulls it into a chokehold as best as he can. The goblin is frantically slapping at his arm when Simon sweeps his foot through the goblin’s ankles, and it falls to the ground. He kills it the same way I did.

Simon looks glorious while fighting. 

That’s two down, three to go. The other goblin I threw fire at bends to fetch his knife. Simon kicks it, hard in the face. It whips backwards, crashing down. Simon stomps on its head.

I summon more fire, blazes in either hand at my sides. 

“Fucking Christ, Baz! You’re flammable!” he exclaims like I don’t already know. That’s all I ever hear about my vampirism from my family.

“Do shut up, dear,” I call. He rolls his eyes then sets into motion. He tackles the one on my right with one arm, struggling to get it to the ground. 

I can feel the fire in my palms getting warmer, so I catapult them at the goblin in front of me. It shrieks and dives out of the way. It’s back on its feet in a second, ready to face off. I won’t summon fire again, I can’t risk burning. 

The goblin and I circle each other, it feints to the left but I anticipate its move and throw a punch. I hear a crack when we make contact, but I can hardly feel the sting. It must be my vampire immunity and adrenaline. The goblin holds a hand to its face and spits out blood.

This one’s tough, this is going to be an old-fashioned fist-fight. 

“Why are you still after the Chosen One?” I growl. “He doesn’t have magic anymore, he’s no threat to you.”

“We still live without a king, my brothers and I decided to do something about it.”

Idiots. “Who would be king, then? If all five of you killed the Chosen One?” Thankfully, goblins are a bit stupid, so it takes some time to think about it. That’s when I strike, lurching forward to snap its neck.

Simon is still scrabbling with the remaining goblin, but he’s winning. He has it pinned to the ground with his lower body, and is throwing punch after punch with his good arm. I lift him from under his arms off of the goblin. It’s still alive, so I forcefully stomp on its neck.

“Bloody fucking goblins,” I sneer, pacing back and forth in front of Simon. “What bloody right do they have to come after you? After all that happened at Watford? They interrupt our morning and try to kill you. I’ll hunt down their entire fucking coven and burn them to ashes.”

Simon sighs adoringly, “You’re so hot when you’re angry.”

“You almost get assassinated and all you can think about is how fit I am?”

“That’s all I ever think about, love.” I roll my eyes then look down to take him in. 

He’s got a few splatters of goblin blood on his clothing, a forming bruise on his cheek, and a cut on his arm, but he’s fine. I can finally breathe now that I know he’s okay.

Our chests are heaving as we grin at each other. I take his hand and press a kiss to the back of it. He smiles brighter. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” He pulls me into a hug, nose nuzzling into my neck. 

“We have to call Penny,” he says eventually. 

I groan, pulling my mobile out of my pocket all the same. 

_“Did you leave something?”_

“No… we’ve a bit of a situation,” I say reluctantly.

_“Is Simon alright? Are you alright?”_

“Yes and yes. I need you to do me favour.”

She sighs. _“What is it?”_ Simon snickers.

“Could you bring my wand to that alley near the Starbucks?”

 _“Great Snakes, what have you done this time?”_ I hear shuffling in the background, I know she’s pulling on her trainers.

“It’s not what _we_ did. Five goblins attacked Simon but we dealt with them; I just need my wand so I can clear this mess away and clean us up.”

_“Fucking hell. It’s been almost a year, why are they still trying to capture him?”_

“Hell if I know,” I say.

_“I’m on the pavement now. Have any of the Normals seen anything?”_

“No, I don’t think so.” Simon places a kiss on my collarbone. I give a small, private smile; the one I reserve only for Simon, though he can’t see it. I squeeze his shoulder.

 _“Hanging up, now. I’ll be there in ten seconds.”_ The call ends. I hear two sets of quick footsteps against the cement. Penelope and Shepard appear around the corner, out of breath.

“Crowley.” Is all Penny has to say.

“You did all of this without magic?” Shepard asks.

I shrug, Simon and I have picked up a few mannerisms from each other since we’ve been together. “Wasn’t nearly as bad as NowNext. Simon’s wings didn’t even pop out.”

Penny tosses me my wand and I pull away from Simon, planting a kiss on his temple. 

**“Clear as day.”** I cast. I use a few **Clean as a whistle** ’s on Simon and I.

“Are you late for your study group?” Simon asks. I check my watch. 

“Ten minutes until I’m supposed to be there. Shall we skip the coffee?”

Simon’s face scrunches. “Absolutely not.” I tuck my wand into the waist of my trousers, I’ll have to start using my wand holster again. “Thanks, Pen. You’re a lifesaver,” he says. He grabs my hand, interlacing our fingers, and squeezes Penny’s hand quickly. 

“Thank you, Bunce.”

“Don’t mention it. Shep and I will see you back at the flat in a few, right, Si?”

“Yeah. I’ll bring two grande mocha frappes back.”

“Yes!” Shepard exclaims, then holds out a fist. Simon bumps it with his hand that's in the cast. Penny smiles and loops her arm through Shepard's. 

The line for Starbucks has dwindled a bit. None of the Normals seem to have noticed the murder of five dark creatures, they must have used what little magic they have to put a concealing charm on the alley.

Simon and I wait in line, I pull my phone out to text my study group’s group text. One-handed, of course, I’d never let go of Simon’s hand.

**Author's Note:**

> leave a kudos and comment to lmk if you enjoyed! also feel free to inform me if you think i should edit the archive warning to include "graphic depictions of violence" :)


End file.
